60 bucks

My whole life I have been considered what others viewed negatively; sensitive.
When you are considered sensitive you almost lose all credibility when things get hard. You are viewed as bratty, whiny, annoying or weak. So early on I discovered the power of smiling and being the silly one as a way to cover up my emotions.

People would insult me I'd smile and laugh it off. When people called me flat or ugly I would laugh and pretend it didn't impact me. People couldn't hurt me if I didn't show it. Bullies stopped bothering me because I wouldn't react the way they wanted.

What I have discovered is you can't fully hide who you are. People try really hard to. I mean I tried. I know people who cover it up with smiles. I know people who cover it up with alcohol. I know people who cover it with all sorts of ways that they view as armour or an invisibility cloak.

What I have also discovered is you are limited in your ability to love when you have only limited love for yourself.

You can only give the amount of love to others that you carry within for yourself. It has taken me my whole life to realize this.

When my sister died last year my heart broke. I was used to disappointment and heart break when it came to relationships. I never understood why people "limited" their love until now.

They were not limiting their love that is all they had within to give.

When my sister died I took it personally. I took it as she did not love me enough to stay. I saw it as I was not loved or worthy of being loved and all the incidences in my life of heart break and sorrow further confirmed that in my mind.

My heart completely broke on January 22, 2019.

It shattered into tiny pieces of dust that were blown into millions of directions.

I thought she loved me. I know I loved her. I thought love could heal and conquer anything. I thought if I had loved her more I could have saved her.

That day it shattered everything I believed in. I never felt so insecure in everything and everyone. I thought we were close. The memories and late night talks. The vulnerability and openness with eachother. Her death made me question not only her love for me but everyone's.

On January 22nd 2020, the second hardest day of my life I found myself completely alone. The kids were in bed and Jeff was at a work conference. I was alone in my grief. I relived the pain and heartbreak. The feeling of being unloved. It consumed me. All the insecurities I had repressed or tried to the past year resurfaced. I just let it wash over me and carry me away.

What I have finally put together is that we can only love as much as we love ourselves. When someone says they love me they really mean it. They are limited though by how much love they carry within.

I can not take it personally anymore. I have healing to do within. I also have limited love to give because I need to learn to love myself more.

I no longer can tie my worthiness of love by how much love someone gives. I can no longer determine my worthiness of love by the amount others are limited to give.

My sister didn't die because she didn't love me. She died because she loved so much. She died because she loved with all she had. She died due to using all the love she had within for others. She died because she didn't have enough love within for herself.

If we want to share more love we need to start within. I am worthy of love; we all are. I am worthy of patience. I am worthy of forgiveness. I am worth the 60 bucks.

Someone once told me that someone can't give what they don't have. The amount of love someone gives is not a reflection of my worth. It is a reflection of their love for themselves.

We all need more grace for others and ourselves.

Priscilla

My biggest fear is to lose someone I love. My biggest fear became reality January 22nd this year. The day started like any other day. Trying to be a good mom. I dropped Liam off at school a little before one. I went home put Lyla down for a nap. I gave Logan some school work to work on as I went to take a quick shower. When I went upstairs Logan appeared in the bathroom anxious and did not want to be alone. I was frustrated and wanted alone time but could see he was clearly upset and this was not the norm for him. I asked him for some privacy and to play with legos on the other side of the shower curtain while I showered. It was almost 2 as I headed downstairs to work with Logan on school. When I entered my front room I had a strong impression to draw a picture of Christ. I found it random and odd and pushed it away thinking I needed to work on school with Logan. I began to go back and forth with this thought that kept coming and became stronger and more urgent as I walked closer to my kitchen table. I felt this need to draw a picture of Christ smiling. I kept pushing it away stating I needed to work on school with Logan. As I entered my kitchen it became strong enough where I knew I needed to do something and I logically explained the reason being because someone needed a picture of Christ. Maybe a sweet widow I visited or someone lonely in a nursing home that I planned on visiting with the kids with cards for valentines day. Satisfied with my logical explanation to myself I went to sit down. I thought excitedly that I should use my art supplies that I accumulated over the years, from Jeff, that was collecting dust. As I went to stand up and grab them I felt the strong urgency that I needed to draw RIGHT NOW. It was so powerful and urgent I sat and grabbed Logan's pencil and the closest piece of paper. The paper happened to be what Liam had been drawing on that morning. I flipped it over and looked up a picture of Christ smiling. The first image that popped up was of Christ with his arms wide open as if waiting for an embrace with a smile as if welcoming you. I thought it was good enough and thought I have never seen it before. I took a screenshot and quickly sketched for about 20 to 30 minutes. When I was done I took a picture sent it to Jeff and a friend asking if they could tell who I drew. This was at 2:35 pm.  Logan then asked to write my name on it. I put it aside and went about my day.  I found out my sister was gone 2 hours and 40 minutes later. A couple days later I am up late talking and crying with my Titi when I tell her about my experience that happened that same time my sister passed away. When I went to show her the picture we then noticed that the piece of paper was purple. Her favorite color. Liam had adamantly requested purple that morning when he normally picks blue. I know Priscilla is okay. Her body no longer lives but her spirit her soul lives. I will see her again. She told me what she was seeing as she left this world. I can not deny it. The stubborn persistence. Her knowing how much we talked about what was beyond this world and life. How we both could recognize that there is a higher intelligence and being even if we may give it a different name. My son loving the planet Saturn and begging to visit in our bedtime stories as we fly through space. To then sit down and listen to my sister's song and realizing the title of the song is Saturn. To the insurance agent who knows nothing about us, just that my sister is gone and needed to be removed off of insurance, that sent my mom a gift that was all purple. The gift bag the tissue paper down to the card. Gringo, Priscilla's baby, who anxiously was trying to dig something out of a big pile of leaves and when my dad moved the pile to see what he was so desperately trying to get to, discovered a purple flower. Logan telling me in his dream he was feeling sad and she came rubbed his back and said she will come back when he is sad to comfort him. She still lives. Every time I feel a huge wave of anguish I tell myself she is near. I know she is okay. It doesn't mean I am okay with her being gone. It does not mean that I am not still filled with anguish and anger. This small picture has kept me from completely going into despair. Even if it was not her telling me to draw the picture of Christ. Something was, some force was telling me to draw a picture of Christ with his arms stretched out in a welcoming embrace around the same time my sister took her last breath. I can not deny it. I can not make this up. This is not a coincidence.