60 bucks

My whole life I have been considered what others viewed negatively; sensitive.
When you are considered sensitive you almost lose all credibility when things get hard. You are viewed as bratty, whiny, annoying or weak. So early on I discovered the power of smiling and being the silly one as a way to cover up my emotions.

People would insult me I'd smile and laugh it off. When people called me flat or ugly I would laugh and pretend it didn't impact me. People couldn't hurt me if I didn't show it. Bullies stopped bothering me because I wouldn't react the way they wanted.

What I have discovered is you can't fully hide who you are. People try really hard to. I mean I tried. I know people who cover it up with smiles. I know people who cover it up with alcohol. I know people who cover it with all sorts of ways that they view as armour or an invisibility cloak.

What I have also discovered is you are limited in your ability to love when you have only limited love for yourself.

You can only give the amount of love to others that you carry within for yourself. It has taken me my whole life to realize this.

When my sister died last year my heart broke. I was used to disappointment and heart break when it came to relationships. I never understood why people "limited" their love until now.

They were not limiting their love that is all they had within to give.

When my sister died I took it personally. I took it as she did not love me enough to stay. I saw it as I was not loved or worthy of being loved and all the incidences in my life of heart break and sorrow further confirmed that in my mind.

My heart completely broke on January 22, 2019.

It shattered into tiny pieces of dust that were blown into millions of directions.

I thought she loved me. I know I loved her. I thought love could heal and conquer anything. I thought if I had loved her more I could have saved her.

That day it shattered everything I believed in. I never felt so insecure in everything and everyone. I thought we were close. The memories and late night talks. The vulnerability and openness with eachother. Her death made me question not only her love for me but everyone's.

On January 22nd 2020, the second hardest day of my life I found myself completely alone. The kids were in bed and Jeff was at a work conference. I was alone in my grief. I relived the pain and heartbreak. The feeling of being unloved. It consumed me. All the insecurities I had repressed or tried to the past year resurfaced. I just let it wash over me and carry me away.

What I have finally put together is that we can only love as much as we love ourselves. When someone says they love me they really mean it. They are limited though by how much love they carry within.

I can not take it personally anymore. I have healing to do within. I also have limited love to give because I need to learn to love myself more.

I no longer can tie my worthiness of love by how much love someone gives. I can no longer determine my worthiness of love by the amount others are limited to give.

My sister didn't die because she didn't love me. She died because she loved so much. She died because she loved with all she had. She died due to using all the love she had within for others. She died because she didn't have enough love within for herself.

If we want to share more love we need to start within. I am worthy of love; we all are. I am worthy of patience. I am worthy of forgiveness. I am worth the 60 bucks.

Someone once told me that someone can't give what they don't have. The amount of love someone gives is not a reflection of my worth. It is a reflection of their love for themselves.

We all need more grace for others and ourselves.